Hating Your Job

My job has its ups and downs like anyone else’s job.  I am fortunate enough to have a job that affords me a lot of time off, and more or less allows me to set me own hours.  Not only that, but in my opinion I am well paid for what I do.  I used to think I was overpaid for what I do, but when I thought about how specific my skills are I realized it was probably fair compensation.  All that said and as fortunate as I am to even have a job (let alone a good one); I feel like I spend an exorbitant amount of time complaining about my job.   

I have recently realized that while I used to be one of the best or smartest people at my job; I am clearly not that person anymore.  I’ve grown up hearing “you can be anything you want to be” and I think that through much study and practice I could be that person again (or as close to it as possible).  For whatever its worth though,(I don’t want to use my previous medical incidents as an excuse), I do know that cognitively my head is not what it used to be and I don’t believe it ever will be.  Because of my previous traumatic brain injury (or TBI) I had to take the “Neuropsych” test three different times, just to return to a working status.  The test isn’t comprised of questions like “What’s 1+1?” but the test is meant to evaluate your cognitive ability.  There is no pass or fail.  It simply tests the various functions and abilities of your brain to let you know your strengths and weaknesses.  In conjunction to physical, speech, and occupational therapy I have learnt many of the different coping mechanisms in order to better live or act in life.  In other words these coping mechanisms are “the new normal” for me.  Luckily a large part of one of the coping mechanisms is writing things down so you don’t forget them.  Because my job largely works with top secret equipment, much of what I do has to be written down anyways because otherwise it would be classified and not permissible.  I only write down the unclassified or “lowest levels” so that I can keep it in my notebook and take it home with me.  If you were to look at my notes, there would never be any classified pages or documents.

At any rate, all this said it has largely caused me to dislike my job and what I do.  As great as my job is, and as grateful that I am to even have a job; I feel like I complain about it a lot (internally) and often hate what I do.  I have spent months at this point praying and asking for a different job.  I don’t mind working hard or long hours, I just want to find a different job.  So I was praying that God would both deliver me from my current job (and more importantly); that he would place me where he can utilize me to the greatest degree or effect.  I have prayed that for a while now, hoping that there would be an answer but I wasn’t getting anything from him.  Yesterday I was reading 1 Timothy, and the very first sentences were

“1 Timothy 1:1-4

Greeting

1 Paul, an apostle of Jesus Christ, by the commandment of God our Savior and the Lord Jesus Christ, our hope,

² To Timothy, a true son in the faith:

Grace, mercy, and peace from God our Father and Jesus Christ our Lord.

No Other Doctrine

³ As I urged you when I went into Macedonia—remain in Ephesus that you may charge some that they teach no other doctrine, ⁴ nor give heed to fables and endless genealogies, which cause disputes rather than godly edification which is in faith. ”
 

Verse 3 was the key line or verse that hit me like a ton of bricks.  Paul’s (who wrote this letter to Timothy) first words or advice was for him to basically stay put.  Obviously it is impossible to know what happened entirely and/or relate to that past; but do a bit of research if you do desire, and imagine being put in Timothy’s place.  Imagine being a student of Paul and founding churches for God and then feeling trapped where you are; because the elders and personnel in the church continuously argue about the way things are or way they should be.  Imagine hating where you are for any “X, Y, Z” reason, and “X, Y, Z” could be any reason-- either valid or not.  Then imagine when you are finally ready to leave, you are asked to stay a little bit longer.  This is all speculative of course, but I always try to place myself in the shoes of both the author (and/or writer of the letter) as well as anyone in the “to” line, or who it was written to.

Needless to say I felt like God was telling me to stay put.  I can only imagine how long Timothy had to “stay put” before he moved on but at this point I am waiting until God clearly lightens a path for me.  In Thanksgiving of 2014 I interviewed for a job with GRSI and was ultimately passed up.  (I feel like they had already found someone to fulfill the position at that point and were only interviewing me as a matter of principal, but that is neither here nor there at this point.)  Yesterday after I read that verse and internalized it I got to work and began my day like normal.  Shortly after I got an email from a recruiter at GRSI asking me if I was still interested in that position, only in Jacksonville, FL or San Diego, CA.  Personally, yes I definitely would be but there are several other issues that would need to be considered.  My salary (obviously) combined with the fact that my wife just started a new job at Old Dominion University.  If we were to leave she would have to find a new job; coupled with the fact that my wife is now pregnant.  While she is due March 27^th, that is certainly an additional consideration. 

The reality is that I know the contracting world and I know that GRSI wouldn’t be able to pay me enough to relocate.  I would basically have to make my current salary PLUS hers, so that she ultimately could be a stay at home mom.  Realistically I know (from purely a business standpoint) that it just wouldn’t make sense so I emailed the recruiter today and let him know that as I didn’t want to waste anyone’s time.  So why am I writing all this?

I may not like or love my job, but I have to trust that God has something better for me in the end.  I need to have faith that no matter what, God has bigger and better things planned for me in the end.  It is difficult right now because I can’t see the other side.  After all, hindsight is 20/20 right? and only God can know what he has planned for us in the future.  So unless you have a time machine somehow… it is what it is.  In the meantime I will continue to study God’s words and desires and have faith that there are better things for me in the future.  It is just a matter of time and waiting until we will know what they are.  I may dislike or hate my job, but I will continue to pray that his will be done, because as much as it pains me to say and admit; it is a much better plan than doing things my own way.  I probably haven’t done enough research on this particular verse but it is often quoted and probably overused; but I am clinging to it now for strength.

               Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.